I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
