I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Success! We fucked roommates!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
