it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
