I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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