Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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