I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My liver just had a heart attack.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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