I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
