apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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