if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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