I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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