Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
