It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
