When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
