I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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