He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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