Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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