Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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