It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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