oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
