I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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