it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
