There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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