got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
