I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
