if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize