they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
