I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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