Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
