I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
