Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
