I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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