my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
