tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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