I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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