he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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