Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
