Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
