the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
