Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
