The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
