My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
