Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
