i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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