Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
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i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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