My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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