Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
