i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
