Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
