I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
