Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
