dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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