Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
