yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
