I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
