if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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