If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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